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I've run out of lemons!

Monday, May 27,2019

Some days I just plain run out of lemons.

It’s not that I don’t want to make lemonade, but sometimes, it’s just not about making it sweet. Now, it doesn’t take much to make me smile - I have six hummingbirds visit now and the mornings are fresh and scented from rain - but there are swaths of time that I have to sort through heavier things. I start noticing that I am grumpy, that I just don’t have answers and am not really engaged in what makes up my story. It’s almost like my story isn’t good enough for me. Like I have to somehow turn it into a blockbuster, as though that will do what? Good question.

When these days creep up, I usually have to stop and dig in to see what I am carrying that is weighing me down or, what I need that I am not doing (a walk, a morning writing or a shift in my life that may just be a nudge). It helps to go out of myself and look back in. It’s amazing what I see! It’s all the people, the conversations, the art, the laundry, the LIFE I have that feeds me - that is my lemonade - it’s what comes bubbling back in.

Sure, being happy is a choice, but it is also only part of the equation. The other flavors have a purpose too and sometimes I have to mull through my umami to make the lemonade times brighter.

Here’s what I know (not in its entirety)

  • When I’m grumpy - I am in fear of losing my space and time
  • When I am critical - I am in fear of my own efforts not being enough
  • When I am angry - I am in fear of not having control
  • When I am unsupportive of others - I am in fear of not being relevant.
  • When I recognise the fear base flavor of my current world, it helps me to sort through and see it for what it is. It helps me to find my way back to what I want to live by, who I want to be, how I want to experience my life. When I am in that, I have everything.

I love that last thought.

When I am in the flavor of how I want to experience my life - I have everything. No lemonade today, but I have peaches!