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How to Apologize
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How to Apologize


May 10 2021

If you are wondering what an apology sounds like - it might be this...: It's not perfect, but it’s close. 

First of all remember it's not about you. It's about what your actions have gone to somebody else.

The second thing is - it needs to be authentic. You need to own all of it. Even the part you don't know yet. The part that happened to them. 

The next thing is keep it short. Remember it's not about you. 

The other thing is there's no perfect time for an apology, you didn't wait to choose the perfect time to hurt someone, you didn't let them know that in 10 minutes from now you were going to do something to alter their life. So it is with an apology, when the opportunity arises grab it. If it doesn't seem like the time, make it be the time.

 Own every part of it, every step of the way -  because you don't want to hurt this person this way anymore. So if you stay “I'm sorry baby”. If you say “oh my gosh I'm so sorry” and you leave it there... That is not an apology. That is simply saying” I'm sorry YOU don't like what I do”. If at any time during your apology you wonder if you're starting to sound like the victim, trust me, you probably started out that way in your apology. Go back to step one and start again. 

If you're stuck at any point in your apology, it's time to say that out loud. “There's a lot more here than I thought. I need to think about this more. You deserve that. Can I come back another time?” The fact that you have reached out and are willing to look at your own bag of poop will go a long way. It won't fix it. Words so very often do not. They do lay some groundwork that's for sure.

 The next part would be letting them know what you're going to do to rectify this whether they choose to be in a relationship with you ever again or not. Because you have decided and seen that what has  caused them pain is not right in your world. You do not want to be someone who continues to act in a way that is  selfish or indicative of your own pain. Usually both. So in its own way, giving the perfect request for absolvement is for your own healing as well. It's a lovely side effect. 

More importantly it is to take YOUR pain out of the other so that they can heal. In this way we can be responsible for our soul, our life, our journey.